The eternal mystery hath thus been solved.
Listen folks, I kid you not…I really think I’ve figured this one out.
At least in theory.
(Which is really the most you can expect from a blog, isn’t it?)
And it got me jumping out of bed early in the morning – on a holiday, no less – to document it, so it can be of value to me, and hopefully to you.
The road to being – not an okay, or a good, or even a great, but – an AMAZING lover … that road starts here.
And it only comes in 3 ridiculously difficult steps!
So let’s do it!
Step 1: Have good friendships
The safest route to good friendship is being a friend. And in my experience, being a friend is all about being there for another person.
A friend may not call or text until they need you. And that’s fine because – as a friend – that’s what you’re there for.
If you think about who your good friends are, you’ll probably think something along the lines of “someone I can call in the middle of the night, and I know they’ll be there for me.” Consequently, being a good friend means being the type of person who will be there for someone else, no matter what.
But there’s another part of friendship that’s often overlooked. Our friends are our biggest means of socialization.
Think about when you were a child. If you were too bratty, mean or spoiled – no matter your other virtues – other children wouldn’t play with you. I mean mayyyybe if you did have a Nintendo, dem woulda put up wid yuh, but you always knew the difference between ‘Nintendo’ friends and ‘real’ friends.
It’s the same thing as an adult. If you can’t maintain friendships with other adults within your social circle, it means you are doing something that is just too off-putting or socially unacceptable, despite the myriad other amazing things about you.
Think about it this way: why should any lover have to put up with me for a sustained period of time, if other human beings can’t?
How could a lover rely on me, when other human beings know they can’t?
The thing is, you don’t need amazing friendships on your route to being an amazing lover. Good ones, are good enough.
And how do you know if you have good friendships?
Friendships are – first and foremost – relationships.
And good relationships, feel good. Repeat it with me:
“Good relationships, feel good.”
Step 2: Have good family ties
Ooh, you weren’t expecting that one, were you?
It’s kind of amazing to me how in our culture, dysfunctional or even downright crazy family relationships are seen as the norm, while people make millions selling relationship advice for couples.
It’s like…if you can’t figure out how to have decent relationships with the people who know you probably better than anyone else in the world, how do you figure you’ll be able to do it with THE ONE, who literally does not know you at all, and is most likely 90% a figment of your imagination and 10% an amalgam of these very same people?
And yeah, it will take some figuring out – to put it mildly. Is your mother really crazy? Is your father really a pig? Or better yet, are your parents really paragons of human virtue – or are they just human like everyone else?
I believe the value of working towards good family relationships is that they teach us obligation. Yes, in many ways we are obligated to be good to our parents, children and siblings.
But the obligation shouldn’t a burden. It’s a necessity. None of us is truly independent. And no matter how far away we run from our sense of obligations, they always seem to find a way to find a way to catch up to us and kick us in the ass if we’ve been ignoring them. I’m not saying it’s easy. But it’s about finding a way.
Because understanding and being able to fulfill your obligations is necessary to being an amazing lover.
And again, good enough, is good enough. And what’s ‘good’ isn’t rocket science.
“Good relationships, feel good.”
You’ll know your family relationships are good when they feel good. And the only way to know what truly feels good is to be good with yourself.
Step 3: Have a good relationship with yourself
Yeah, you were probably expecting this but don’t roll the eyes into the back of your head just yet.
It’s a serious question: how are you with you?
How do you treat your body? What do you feed it? How do you dress it? Do you listen to it? When it’s in pain or not sleeping well, do you attend to it? Or do you ignore it?
The thing is, you could fulfill all your duties; all your friends and family members could LOVE you…but if deep down you’re sad or miserable or bitter or angry or resentful…there’s one relationship that still needs fixing.
And that’s why the cliché is so true, you can’t love anyone until you first learn to love yourself.
Well there you have it: 3 ridiculously difficult steps to being an amazing lover. The kind of work that takes a lifetime.
Good luck to us all!